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Submitted on
February 23, 2013
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tw,
you are
the elementary school playground
scraped knees
‘cooties’
and all;
i still sit on the swings
sometimes.

-

z,
you were the house i grew up in
and grew tired of,
so very familiar;
every secret door revealed
every hiding spot
discovered,
still -
i couldn't help but linger
long after it
fell apart.

-

cm,
you are the forest
i have been too afraid to wander in
for long;
so beautiful and inviting
so full of poisonous
things.

-

mn,
you were the last car
on a train: temporary,
in transit and moving
(on), but
nobody can travel
forever.

-

bb,
you were
the dusty hotel room
i got comfortable in for
a few days, the one i
found love in
again,
but hotel rooms belong to no one
and i shouldn't have been so
surprised to find that
someone else had been
sleeping there,
too.

-

jk,
you were the
girl down the street's
backyard,
littered with red solo
cups and
bottles,
and not much
else.

-

sg,
you are the back room
of someone else's
house,
the one i've come to hide in
when i can no longer stand the sight of
people.

-

sh,
you are every state border
i intend to cross.

-

mr,
you were a fucking
firing range;
i was always the target.

-

gd,
you were a car without wheels,
a gps without a destination.

-

jd,
you are a trapdoor cellar
without stairs.

-

mb,
you are desk drawers
and bedroom floors;
all algorithms,
subliminal messages, and
three-dimensional
diagrams.

-

bg,
you are your parent's basement:
door locked;
curtains closed;
gutted
to be somebody else's
foundation.

-

jp,
you are the raceway
of speeding cars &
flattened track.
edit 3/18/13: had to add a couple names, ha.
edit 7/26/13: it was about damn time i updated this. mr's was changed because the original didn't fit in the first place.



this is the best thing i have written in a long time,
in my opinion,
which by default means that nobody else will like it.




alt title - a chronical of every boy i have ever been involved with, or at least the most notable ones


i tried to keep them chronological
but some are still in my life
(their presence questionable)

(c)
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:iconsilentangeldying:
Hello again!
I am catching up on reading all your work I've missed and thought I'd leave another critique.

I'll start with the good points:

The connection between each of them (comparing them to a place/transportation) and the individual anaolgies are absolutely amazing. It is a very unique perspective and one that I find is a reoccurring theme in your work.

The "-' between each stanza, and the use of a "," after the intials vs. ";" or something else are both examples of wise use of punctuation and phrasing.

Additionally, I am recieving the impression that there is an underlying metaphor/meaning you wanted to get across, yet wanted it to be open for interpretation. I enjoy how this piece has layers; each stanza says a complete points, add them together to create a picture, and adding the underlying, behind-the-scenes creates a gallery of sorts, a collage.

Now, onto constructive criticism:

- Perhaps you used the word 'but' too often... it is in multiple stanzas, and I think the phrasing would have been more poignant if you had used a less common way to interupt the thought; (In the first part you use "still -" )

- My only other criticism is the ending. I found that you could have created an anology to make that point, rather than spelling it out. It WORKS, it just doesn't shine.

Overally, I thought this was definitely one of the best pieces I've read of your writing. It was emotional/anti-emotion, it was beautifully crafted into comparisons and layered description, and you bring about this light from pesronal situations, leaving the reader to reflect perhaps on their own trains, back rooms, and hotel rooms.

Amazing <3
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:icondefyxxnormality:
DEFYxxNORMALITY Jul 29, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Beautiful - what a wonderful concept!
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Jul 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Pensive and lonely, quiet and quite lovely. I hope you find whoever you're meant to be with. :heart:
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Apr 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :heart: I hope so too
Reply
:icontouristeyes:
touristEYES Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i am fucking blown away. this is so good. how did i miss this?
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:iconfervvent:
fervvent Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can tell that there is a lot of thought wound up inside this- but what it has become feels effortless, which makes me think you've found out how it's right. It's intriguing, both knowing what is there and not knowing what went on. A glimpse of another reality that is a blessing to have.
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:icondiddlyhohum:
diddlyhohum Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i love this
Reply
:iconfervvent:
fervvent Feb 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
thank you
Reply
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