everybody's getting on my nerves...
on varying degrees, some worse than others, but you know what I mean.
sometimes I want to go walden for the rest of forever.
I haven't gone to class into two days.
what a waste.
I'm thinking of probably transferring elsewhere except I'm not sure on the "where" yet. definitely else, though.
it feels like home except without the forest, without the familiar faces, without the booze.
it's a fucking drag, and it's all my fault.
or none of it's my fault. that depends how you look at it.
I'm trying not to be a brat, so it's my fault.
so what do I do with that?
get a j o b ? I desperately need a job.
only some schools accept transfers for spring semester.
if I last that long.
fuck knows I couldn't last my whole four years here.
I tried thinking about that - four years? - but it's just not going to happen.
I mean I'd sooner die. or just leave. show up on someone's unsuspecting doorstep.
I feel like I'm always devising a plan to go somewhere else.
I never want to be where I am.
I thought it was because of how much I hated my hometown, how tired of it was.
I'm not so sure that was true anymore, unless I'm truly unfortunate enough to have wound up in the same place (albeit geographically different). I mean it feels the fucking same. and it makes me feel like maybe everywhere's the same.
I have to believe it isn't. for the sake of my own sanity.
the upside is I'm writing again. I met someone who gave me lighter fluid. and it's burning again. not much, but it's burning again. that's what matters.
the downside is I have no capacity for commitment. or settling (down). or staying in one place, apparently.
I want to keep moving, but I never know where.
I'm always waiting to get somewhere else.
I agree to hang out with people, and then... almost immediately after I get there I'm thinking of a way out. I speak in exit doors. I pack 5000 escape ropes. no flares.
I don't know. I need help, I guess. except everyone who tries to give me advice gets snapped at. and everyone who gets snapped at learns not to pet the fucking dog anymore, you know?
whatever, I guess.
until the next.
Listening to: hated because of great qualities by blonde redhead
Reading: (soma)tics by CAConrad